As I design and deliver Feedback training, I find myself increasingly focusing on the often-overlooked aspect of receiving feedback - understanding why it can be so challenging. Receiving feedback is about controlling reactions, understanding another's perspective, exploring new ideas - even uncomfortable ones - and thoughtfully deciding what insights to keep or set aside. It's a process of listening, reflecting, and strategically choosing what will help us grow.
But what makes this process so emotionally demanding?
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen's book "Thank You for the Feedback" introduces three critical feedback triggers that illuminate our complex reactions: the Truth, Relationship, and Identity triggers. These triggers are more than obstacles; they're a map to understanding our responses, helping us turn defensive moments into opportunities for learning and growth.
Let’s look into those triggers.
The Truth Trigger: “Is this even true?” 😡
This trigger kicks in when we feel the feedback we’re getting is inaccurate, unfair, or just plain wrong. Our brains instantly go into “fact-checking” mode. Instead of listening, we might focus on dissecting the feedback, looking for flaws in the logic or evidence.
For example:
Your boss tells you, “You’re not collaborative enough in meetings.”
Immediately, you think, “What?! I always share ideas and encourage teamwork!”
Here’s the catch: even if the feedback feels untrue, it might still hold a nugget of insight, even if you decide that 90% of the feedback is off-target. The key is to shift from “Is this true?” to “What might be true here?” Maybe your boss has noticed moments where you seemed hesitant to engage, even if that wasn’t your intention. Remember you evaluate yourself by your intention, and other people evaluate you by the impact of your actions. We all have our Blind Spots and we need others to help us see ourselves, and our impact on those around us.
✨ How to Handle it: When you feel the Truth Trigger, pause and ask yourself, “What is the giver’s perspective? What might they be noticing that I’m missing?”. Shift from “That’s wrong” to “Tell me more”, and ask clarifying questions.
The Relationship Trigger: “Who are you to tell me this?” 🤨
Sometimes, feedback isn’t about what’s being said—it’s about who’s saying it. And based on “who” we discard the “what”. This trigger pops up when our relationship with the feedback giver gets in the way. Maybe you don’t respect their expertise, or there’s a tension between you. Feedback is not only happening in the context of a relationship; it’s created by the relationship itself.
For example:
Imagine a coworker who often misses deadlines and tells you, “You should be more organized.”
Your internal reaction? “Are you kidding me? Take your own advice!”
It’s tough, but separating the feedback from the giver and your dynamic can help. However, you will need to address both the feedback and relationship issues. Collect your courage and have a difficult conversation around what is the dynamic between you and what are you both contributing to the problem, so it's easier to have a feedback conversation in the future.
✨ How to Handle it: If you feel the Relationship Trigger flaring, ask yourself, “If someone else gave me this same feedback, how would I respond?”
The Identity Trigger: “This feels like a personal attack.” 😰
Ah, the Identity Trigger—the one that hits closest to home. This happens when feedback challenges how we see ourselves. It prompts questions: “Am I a good person? Do I deserve our own respect? Can I live with myself?”. We feel like the story of who we are is under attack. It stirs up feelings of vulnerability, shame, or self-doubt. Quite a mix, right?
For example:
A friend says, “You come across as a bit impatient sometimes.”
Your mind spirals: “Impatient? Me? I thought I was approachable and understanding!”
One of the brain’s primary survival functions is to keep us safe and move away from painful things. But here’s the thing: feedback is about behaviour, not who we are, and we can choose to change our actions if we want to. Focusing on cultivating the Growth Mindset, and remembering who we are today is not necessarily who we will be tomorrow can help us create the distance between the feedback we receive and ourselves.
Remember that we are rather verbs than nouns. We are constantly changing, learning and growing. Feedback is a source for growth, rather than a verdict.
✨ How to Handle it: When you feel defensive, remind yourself: “This feedback is about something I did, not who I am.” Reflect on your emotional reaction to the feedback. Examine the story you're telling yourself, your fears, and whether you're creating worst-case scenarios. This self-reflection helps you view the feedback more objectively and understand how your personal narratives might distort your perception.
Short Guide to How to Handle Feedback Triggers
No matter which trigger gets activated, the goal is to move from reacting to creating more space for reflection and response. Here’s how:
Take a moment before responding to feedback. Allow yourself time to process your initial emotional reaction without immediately defending yourself. Pause to calm your nervous system, preventing your brain from treating the feedback like an immediate threat.
Ask Questions: Seek clarification if the feedback is unclear or feels off.
Look for what could be right: Feedback—good or bad—is information, try to look for what might be your blind spots - something that you are not able to see yourself. You can always go and ask for more feedback from others, to receive a better perspective.
So next time someone offers you a piece of feedback, take a deep breath and think about these triggers. Are you questioning the truth? The relationship? Or is it hitting a nerve with your identity? Once you identify the trigger, you can approach the feedback with an open mind—and maybe even say, “Thanks for the feedback!”
Want to unpack those triggers further and equip your people with the skill of receiving feedback? Get in touch!
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