The brain shapes everything we do - from responding to simple greetings to handling major life decisions. As a neuroscience enthusiast, getting my Brain-Based Coaching certification from the Neuroleadership Insitute deepened my understanding of this fascinating field. Everything started to make even more sense. Oh boy, the brain IS a control freak. 😅
We all know about fight, flight, or freeze responses – our brain's survival toolkit. Here's something surprising: your brain treats mental threats just like physical ones. That feedback conversation with your boss? Your brain might process it the same way as facing a lion in the wild, how wild is it? (pun intended)
When strong emotions kick in, the part of the brain responsible for feelings - steals vital resources such as glucose, oxygen, and others from your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex). That's why you can't think clearly when you're emotional. It's not an excuse – it's pure neuroscience. This knowledge also helps me to design training that moves away from triggering the emotional brain and supports participants creative, rational and learning parts of the brain (the prefrontal cortex).
The good news? We can handle difficult conversations better. During my education at the Neuroleadership Institute, I learned about the SCARF model. It shows our brain's social needs to feel safe and ready to have meaningful and sometimes difficult conversations. Think of it like creating a brain-friendly environment. When we understand how our brains work, we can work with them, not against them.
Let’s dive into the SCARF model, created by neuroscientist David Rock.
First things first - SCARF is an acronym that stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness.
Each of these domains represents social needs. We can create conditions for our brain to feel motivated, curious, excited, or as though we’re facing a threat and cannot rationally think anymore. 🦁 Let's break down each domain and see how it connects to giving and receiving feedback.
Status
Status, to the brain, is an extremely important resource. It relates to how we perceive our relative standing or importance within a group. We are constantly looking for ways to increase our status and feel good about ourselves. Feedback can sometimes make people feel like their status is being questioned, especially if it’s corrective. When we feel our status is threatened, it can put us on the defensive or make us shut down.
🧠 When giving feedback, try to frame it in a way that doesn’t feel like a judgment of a person’s value or rank. For example, instead of pointing out what they did “wrong,” you might discuss areas of improvement as opportunities to further build on their strengths. This approach can help people feel that their status remains intact, which helps them stay open and engaged.
Important: Remember that criticism should be given in private unless it’s essential to address it in a group setting (such as in cases of inappropriate behaviour). When criticism happens publicly, it triggers the release of cortisol, the stress hormone, making you feel less secure and confident among your peers. The brain treats social threats similarly to physical ones, perceiving a loss of status as a potential threat to survival.
Certainty
Certainty refers to our need for clarity and predictability. The brain likes to know what is going on, it’s a prediction machine, mapping past experience to the present to make sense of possible outcomes. When feedback is vague or when we don’t know what’s expected of us, it can make us feel anxious. In contrast, clear and actionable feedback makes it easier for people to understand where they stand and what steps to take next.
🧠 When you’re giving feedback, be as clear and specific as possible. Instead of saying, “This could be better,” try something like, “I think adding more data points here would strengthen your argument.” This way, you’re removing any ambiguity, which can make feedback feel more constructive and less intimidating.
Autonomy
Autonomy is our sense of control over our choices and environment, it’s the experience of having a choice. When we feel our autonomy is compromised, like when feedback is overly prescriptive or directive, it can feel stifling. We want to feel empowered to make decisions and take ownership of our actions.
🧠 To support autonomy, invite the feedback receiver to share their perspective. For example “How do you see it?”, “What could help you with managing deadlines moving forward?”, “You might consider trying this approach, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.” This way, the person receiving feedback feels they have a choice in how they act on it, which encourages a more positive response. It creates commitment rather than just compliance.
Relatedness
Relatedness is about feeling connected and supported within a social group. It’s also about whether you consider a person a friend or a foe. When you connect with people you like or can trust, you get a decrease in the stress hormone, cortisol, and an injection of the feel-good hormone dopamine. Feedback sessions can sometimes feel like a confrontation, especially when they’re framed as a one-sided critique and lack autonomy. This can make people targeted and isolated.
🧠 One way to create relatedness is by creating a sense of partnership in the feedback process. It is tightly connected to the Autonomy domain, so approaching feedback as a collaborative conversation and emphasizing that you’re on the same team helps the brain receive it better. Try using inclusive language like, “Let’s work on this together,” or, “I’m here to help.” This can make the other person feel more connected, supported, and open to what you’re saying.
Fairness
Finally, Fairness taps into our deep need for fair treatment. When we feel that we have been treated unfairly, we experience unpleasant emotions such as disappointment, anger, frustration, etc. Those emotions activate the threat responses and deactivate our rational thinking. If feedback seems unfair or biased, it can provoke a strong defensive reaction. Feedback that feels unjust can make people feel devalued or targeted, which creates resistance to change.
🧠 To ensure fairness, focus on objective observations rather than subjective judgments. Be very specific with your feedback and the impact of that feedback. For instance, rather than saying, “You’re not committed,” try to point out specific instances that illustrate the issue, like, “I noticed you missed a couple of deadlines last month.” This makes feedback feel more balanced and fact-based, reducing the likelihood of defensive reactions.
Understanding the SCARF model can help both to navigate giving feedback without creating a threatening response and build the skill of receiving feedback. If you’re feeling defensive, maybe it’s because your status feels threatened, or the feedback feels unfair. The awareness of the brain’s social needs and triggers can help to separate the emotional reaction from the feedback itself, making it easier to focus on what’s actually being said.
One of my favourite sayings that I use a lot is - “If you can name it, you can own it, and then you can do something about it”. So now we can name it, maybe it’s time to own it and then choose different ways to approach giving and receiving feedback. 😉
Want to learn more about the neuroscience of feedback, let’s talk!
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