top of page

Tips on how to create distance between feedback and your identity

Writer's picture: Kristina KmieliauskaiteKristina Kmieliauskaite

From my previous articles, you probably sensed that receiving feedback is tough and it's not meant to be easy in the first place. Our brain constantly scans the environment for any threat; unfortunately, feedback is perceived as threatening our survival. On top of that, there is also our identity, our ego, or sense of self—you name it. It is never easy to face the reality of our existence, and feedback acts as a mirror, reflecting that reality.


But, oh boy, do we love to sabotage ourselves. We cling to the stories we create about who we are as if they're unshakable truths. And that's where the trouble starts. We suffer. We question every piece of feedback we receive, wondering: Am I a good person? Do I deserve my own respect? Am I even capable of doing this job?


It can spiral into a full-blown rabbit hole of self-pity and self-doubt. Not exactly a comforting place to be. That's why creating distance between feedback and our identity is so important. And that's exactly what I want to help with - by sharing some practical tips on how to do it.


But first, repeat after me: "If I screwed up, that doesn't make me a screw-up. Let's see what I've learned and what I can do differently next time to improve." This mindset echoes the wise words of the incredible Maya Angelou: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."


That's pretty much the place and mindset we need to get to, not only for the ability to receive feedback and grow from it but to make life a little easier.


So, where do we begin?


Fixed vs. Growth Mindset


The first thing to consider is our mindset - do we have a Growth or Fixed mindset? Do we believe that we're constantly evolving and that challenges are opportunities to grow? Or do we tell ourselves, "I am who I am - love me or leave me." sticking to what's comfortable, even if it means not stretching our skills?


Can you already sense which one sounds more like you?


Let me give you some examples of how people with different mindsets can approach the same situation:


Fixed Mindset: "Some people are naturally talented, and I'm not one of them."

Growth Mindset: "With the right practice and consistency, I can become very skilled at this"


Fixed Mindset: "I always mess up presentations; I'm just not a good speaker."

Growth Mindset: "Presentations make me nervous, but I know that the only way to improve is through practice."


Fixed Mindset: "I'm just not good at this, so there's no point in trying."

Growth Mindset: "I may not be good at this yet, but with practice, I'll improve."


Fixed Mindset: "I failed, so I must not be smart enough for this."

Growth Mindset: "I failed, but what can I learn from it?"


Fixed Mindset: "I'm too old to learn something new."

Growth Mindset: "Learning is a lifelong process, and I can start at any time. It might be harder, but I can manage with regular practice and a support system."


I believe you get the picture. If you recognize that you have a Growth Mindset - congratulations! You are already on the right path to creating distance between your identity and feedback. However, if you find yourself leaning toward a Fixed Mindset, don't worry -  it means there is some work to do and shifting your mindset is absolutely possible.


So, how do we begin shifting towards Growth Mindset?


First, write this down and place it somewhere you'll see it often:


“Experiences teaches me, it doesn’t define me.” 

A growth mindset is not about whether you get terrific or unpleasant feedback. It's about how you process and respond to it. 


4 practical tips to help you move towards Growth Identity: 


  1. Observe your self-talk. 


After receiving corrective feedback, shift your focus by asking, "What can I learn from this?" instead of "What does this say about me?". For example, instead of thinking, "I'm not fit for this role because I missed the project deadline", reframe it as "I need to create a more detailed plan with clear milestones and time stamps to avoid this mistake next time". Your identity is flexible. The way you talk to yourself shapes who you become.


  1. Replace "I Can't" with "Yet" or "I am working on it".


After receiving unpleasant feedback, replace "I can't do this" with "I can't do this yet, but I'm working on it." This simple shift in wording will change your mindset from seeing difficulties as permanent to recognizing them as temporary challenges you can overcome with effort and persistence.


  1. Seek Out Learning, Not Just Validation


Also, when asking for feedback, shift your focus from seeking praise to seeking improvement.

Instead of asking, "Did I do well?" try asking: "What worked, and what could have been done better?". This approach helps you grow rather than seek validation.


  1. Start a Failure - Journal. 


Write down the things you've failed at and what you've learned from them. This simple exercise helps rewire your brain to view failure and corrective feedback as learning experiences rather than something to fear or avoid.


These practical tips help you develop a Growth Mindset and create a distance between feedback and your identity.


However, I have two more important things to mention. 


Remember That You Are Not Your Work


You might question your abilities or worth when you fail to deliver something and receive unpleasant feedback. But remember, our actions can be either effective or need improvement - they don't define who we are as a person. One mistake or setback doesn't erase all the things you've done well. Instead of fixating on what went wrong, acknowledge the lessons it offers and recognize the progress you've made. Growth comes from learning, not from being perfect.


Practice Self-Compassion


Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and has room to grow - it's a natural part of learning and improving. Be kind to yourself in the process. If you're struggling with corrective feedback, try imagining that a friend received the same feedback. What would you tell them? You'd likely offer encouragement, perspective, and practical advice rather than harsh criticism. Applying that same kindness to yourself helps create emotional distance, making it easier to process feedback without feeling defensive or discouraged.



So, next time you receive feedback - Pause. Reframe. Learn. Move forward. Your identity is not defined by a single moment but by the continuous journey of various experiences and your approach to what life throws at you. 


Want to know more about this? Let's connect!



Recent Posts

See All

Comments


Have any questions?

Thanks for submitting!

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to email me or submit your questions in the form.

I will be happy to answer all your questions! 

Kristina Kmieliauskaite 
Kr.Kmieliauskaite@gmail.com

  • LinkedIn
bottom of page