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5 tools to combat Thinking Errors while receiving feedback

Writer's picture: Kristina KmieliauskaiteKristina Kmieliauskaite

Did you know that the self-help industry has experienced significant growth, with the market size increasing from $10.5 billion in 2020 to an expected $14 billion by 2025? In 2021, nearly 2 million Cognitive Behavioural Therapy appointments were recorded in England, marking the highest annual number. What does it have to do with feedback?


Therapy often addresses issues that hinder our ability to receive feedback. Our feelings can exaggerate feedback, and it comes from thinking errors.


Let's start by looking at familiar ways that feelings distort our stories. As we learn the stories we tell ourselves, we can use tools to deconstruct them. This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and self-help books can be beneficial in this process. However, stepping back and identifying common thinking errors is essential before diving in.


Intense emotions can lead us to extreme interpretations when it comes to feedback. One thing becomes everything, now becomes always, partly becomes entirely, and slightly becomes extremely. Do you already see where this is going? :)  


I enjoyed how Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen described various thinking mistakes in their book "Thanks for the Feedback". They explain how these interpretations can distort our understanding of the past, present, and future and shape the narratives about who we are, how others perceive us, and the potential consequences of the feedback we receive.


Past: The Google Bias


Our emotions can distort our memories, causing us to remember information that aligns with our current feelings selectively. This "Google bias" leads us to seek evidence of past failures, poor choices, and regrettable behaviours. If you feel bad about yourself, you might even struggle to recall something you've done right. You get stuck in this 'search for everything I did wrong' mode.


Example: After receiving critical feedback at work, an employee might recall only negative comments from previous performance reviews, overlooking positive feedback they had received.


Present: Not One Thing, Everything


When we are overwhelmed by strong emotions, our thoughts can distort our self-image. We quickly go from thinking, "I have trouble closing certain kinds of deals," to believing, "I am not good at my job". Similarly, a thought like, "My colleague has a concern", can escalate to, "Everyone on the team hates me". This may sound extreme, but it's unfortunately not uncommon.


Example: A student receiving constructive criticism on one assignment might feel that their entire academic performance is inadequate despite excelling in other subjects.


Future: The Forever Bias and Snowballing


Our emotional response to feedback can lead us to believe that the current situation will last indefinitely, known as the "forever bias". You might feel today's embarrassment will persist until the moment of your death (a bit extreme, but that's what we call a thinking error). As if it is not enough, it could lead to catastrophic thinking, and all the most anxious scenarios are coming to your head. And the Snowball rolls down from simple feedback to "I will die alone". I probably don't need to mention that those distortions can cause undue stress and anxiety about future performance or opportunities.


Example: An athlete who receives corrective feedback on their technique might believe they will never improve, overlooking the potential for growth and development.


It's fascinating how real these distortions appear to us at the moment we face unpleasant feedback!

So, where do we begin to dismantle those thinking errors?


Some people seek external support from psychologists or psychotherapists to identify the roots of their thoughts, while others turn to self-help books for guidance in navigating thinking mistakes. In both cases, the first step is to create awareness of these thoughts. You are taking that important first step by reading this article right now as you are actively learning about it.


However, I want to provide you with tools to begin addressing those intrusive, anxiety-inducing thoughts right away.


🤺 During a feedback conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself and intentionally slow down. Practising self-observation activates your left prefrontal cortex, the brain area associated with the pleasures of learning and growth.


🤺 Separate feelings, story and feedback. Ask yourself - "What do I feel? What's the story I am telling (what is the threat? What am I afraid of)? What's the actual feedback?". This will help you to peel back to the honest feedback and start identifying stories you tell yourself.


🤺 Additionally, consider asking yourself some reflective questions: Is the feedback truly about the present moment, or are you interpreting it as a permanent judgment—"always was and always will be"? If the feedback focuses on a specific skill or action, are you generalizing it to all your abilities and labelling yourself as incapable or a failure? Finally, is this feedback coming from one person, or do you imagine everyone seeing you this way?


🤺 One of my favourite tools for reframing my inner stories is changing my vantage point. I imagine how I would respond if a friend received the same feedback or went through the same situation. What would I say to her? Would I agree that the stories she tells herself are true and unchangeable? Likely not. Self-compassion is an incredibly powerful tool, yet we often forget to use it.


🤺 Bringing in a time perspective can also be helpful. Ask yourself: How significant will today's events feel in a year, five years, or even further down the line? While things may feel overwhelming at the moment, viewing them through the lens of time can make them seem much smaller and bring you a greater sense of peace.


 

There are many more techniques to help you navigate the narratives you create in your mind. These range from using self-directed humour to shift your emotional state to accepting that you cannot control how others perceive you—and being okay with that (which is no small feat). However, the first and most crucial step is identifying those thinking errors and reminding yourself of a few key truths: the present cannot change the past; it influences the future but does not define it; we are constantly evolving and learning from our experiences; and if one person doesn't like us, it doesn't mean everyone feels the same. And that's okay.


Don't let imaginary stories created in your mind hinder your growth or steal your peace. If you need support, don't hesitate to seek help from a specialist to guide you through this process. Being trapped by our thoughts can be overwhelming, but you don't have to face it alone.

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Kristina Kmieliauskaite 
Kr.Kmieliauskaite@gmail.com

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